First of all, before we get started, yes I know I addressed the topic before (Welp... mainly on my ask.fm), I'll do it again because I'm either bored, dissapointed with myself or tired of the constant peer pressure 'bout the matter,
I'll also disclose that, technically I have from 0 to 5 out of 100 personal knownledge about these things, and everything comes out of my common sense, assumptions and watching others experience these things. So...
Let's get started then! (Or not, who cares...)
Lately, certain events going on around me made me question my own ability to actually maintain, keep/sustain and even more, things related to friendships (And relationships). It wasn't a really broad issue before, because I was somewhat content with what I had, (I knew at least some friends online cared) and I at least had some kind of comfort&affection irl that I could get by hugging my parents and a pet that I had for more than 8 years.
Certain events happened and I no longer have real affection IRL.. (Well who cares what I wrote before, right), just talking to my parents and stuff is lame and not enough for what I am.
I tend to look to my online life as an attempt to overcome and improve myself, and get what I can't and I won't get IRL. As things are of now; surprisingly just a small subset of ppl that contact me actually bother to be my friend. And from that small sample size, just another smaller subset actually bothers to talk to me regularly, and from that small subset, an even smaller subset do it enough for me to consider at least close.
Granted, I'm not extroverted, I'm the opposite, I'm quite shy and I don't naturally seek to meet others. I'd rather wait out for someone to be interested in me than to poke someone to get their interest (Is not that it doesn't happen in any case, it depends <o<)
For various reasons/excuses whatever, most just don't talk to me, either if I don't first or whatever. Yes I know that the fact of starting chats often or always is worrysome and tiring, I get it. Is not that I don't care, is that in the end I'm always afraid of spending time trying to be friends with someone that actually doesn't give a damn and has some kind of hidden agenda, then bails out for whatever reason/they couldn't use me, blabla. It happened to me so many times in the past that I just simply don't bother anymore to do the first step unless I'm certain.
If I see a genuine interest, I'll talk to you, is that simple. If I see we have many things in common and I enjoy your chat I'll bother you. If oyu just ignore me in that case I lose more confidence on myself (Is not that I had any...)
Well moving on (Someone bothered me and I lost my thoughts, damn ADHD, stop doing it)
Oh I am so terribly sorry (Not), I am actually talking about myself and not about the topic I wanted to discuss, how amazingly selfish I am! That's why noone likes me~
So let's resume about that topic; the lack of lacking emotional support is constantly bringing my down, honestly. Sometimes is somewhat manageable, but when the only ppl that actually talk to you and (I suppose) care about you are surrounded in an environment where they have relationships(erm mates?) it applies a constant peer pressure on me, which I can't avoid to be jealous from (And feeling bad about myself).
Thing is, unlike them, for me, a real commitment goes into the realm of real feelings, sharing moments, goals, mood, etc. Most of the ppl I konw that have their relationships (online) have a higher priority on the RP aspect, overall fun and don't (Usually) make any serious idea or goal that could be achievable, as the basis of what they feel is -often- tainted by heavy roleplay aspects (I wrote about it beforeee), which ultimately means that the line between if what they feel about someone is real or not just about their characters is blurred.
You see, if you heavily roleplay with someone and 'you fall in love' to them, how you can be so sure it's real, and you love that person behind the keyboard and not just the character they represent themselves as? How you know if you 'commit' to a relationship with them you'll be mostly having the real deal and not something that is blurred and mixed?
Most of the time you feel, but deeply, you can't be so sure. It's a risk, a risk that may or may not pay out, but they all take because, 'it's a fun ride' or they want it.
I'm not fond of that idea; in fact, it's not my choice. So far the nature of myself lies in that I don't want fake feelings. I can't take someone seriously if the only thing they do is to roleplay. Yeah it "might be fun" but it stops there. If I don't take someone seriously, nor I see them as honest enough, trustable, real and interesting, I am not going to even put an eye on it.
Yeah too bad, does it hurt me on what do I need right now? Absolutely. Does it hurt me in the long term? Nope. Getting self confidence right now about your own successes, if it's based on something fake, is not worth it. Should really I invest time on something that's fake and won't lead me anywhere?
The point for me, about a real relationship is to enable both parties in getting something that otherwise they can't get, a life goal, someone to trust, to rely on, to share time with. Admit it yourself; with friends yes you can have fun, play, maybe rely on, share time, but will you actually seek to spend your life with? Or to share a common goal in life, even if not in the short term but rather far beyond? I don't think so, really.
It's self confidence, knowing that you have some sort of security that is not economical but rather emotional.
Comes into the fact that I personally never been to get to enjoy such experiences in a serious way, yet I'm constantly surrounded by those that could, do, and enjoy it. Maybe they have lower expectations, maybe they lower the bar and take what they get, maybe they're just more extroverted and can achieve these things.
When we are talking about someone that is shy and would rather see real interest instead of the other way, well yea you can explain it somewhat. Then we have the fact that 15 out of 100 every year have a real interest on being my friend, yet just 10 or 5 of them stick with me the enough time to consider them close friend for more than a couple of months. And I don't think there's many chances that out of those 10 or 5 there would be someone that would consider myself suitable for that.
After all, if you have to do so much to get so little (That is me) why the hell would someone even bother in any way?
Yeah, I would have thought so.
I guess abroad there are wildly different opinions of me. Some can say I'm 'sweet or friendly' and others might just claim 'I'm fake and a selfish prick'. Whatever you think, it's your thoughts. What I write are my own thoughts, but I do understand that your view about me is what ultimately affects my ability to know others. Because, if everyone did consider me "Sweet and friendly" I would ultimately meet more ppl, which doesn't happen. So what's the obvious choice here?
That others are afraid of me? Of what I do? That I'm too boring, uninteresting, whatever? Maybe I think too much? Maybe most don't know I exist and I need to be more available?
The overall conclusion that I come up with is; That, after all this time I didn't get to get something real while everyone gets that all the time without that much effort (Well, maybe they're just more extroverted, and willing to step out of their zone of comfort...), it either means I'm a complete failure as a person and I deserve absolutely nothing, or I'm just not worth the real effort of someone into 'getting me'.
I ultimately might just talk too much, say to little, and not notice anything until I see it clearly. If that is so, it's totally my fault. I ain't perfect, I ain't perfect in social interactions, I'm in fact, bad, always was, at least I try to overcome my own issues making mistakes.
I might have made several mistakes on the past, doesn't mean I can't and won't do the same in the future. We are all humans and we all can slip off sometimes (As much as I love to say "err dragons! I try to be real now")
So umm to sum it up; if your online relationship is based off RP, take it with a grain of salt and don't be sad if it doesn't work out. And if you take these RP seriously, think it twice before deeming it as serious.
For things to last, you need something else than "just fun". Crushes last so much, is already known that. Shit happens, you didn't met that person yet IRL, so you technically didn't lose anything but your time (Unless you spent money or whatever). Stablish a goal, just being together for the sake of it is a bad idea. Don't deny the chance for real things just for fake (but 'fun' ones)
Stop trying to take these things seriously until you know they are; if someone you met 2 days ago says 'they love you' take it with a grain of salt, (Or as if 'the love is of friends love') If you join the bandwagon then, and it doesn't work out, there's noone but you for believing these things.
Things can work, online or IRL, it's just a matter of believing, patience, will, and a myriad of other things. I know because I know certain ppl that managed to 'succeed' in actually moving further from something online. Odds are against you for the sole fact of that generally specific conditions must be met and maintaned for them.
I get jealous, sad, nervous, think bad about myself, etc, by the peer pressure I am getting into constantly. I already analyzed the possible cause of everything and might be because I'm too shy, silly, dork, dumb, friendly, weird, and difficult for someone to consider me serious for that. It's okay really. But ultimately I might act negatively and differently the more jealous I get over someone, I am sorry if my attitude ends up not being the same as when I first met you. But being shoved in my face everything I said above is hard to swallow, specially when I have to deal also with myself and my own internal issues.
There's noone but myself to blame when you find out I never had something serious all these years.
I might sound too depressive sometimes, because I am... Only those who care about you can hear you when you're quiet.
(Opinions here are my own only, about myself this topic just discuss one thing, if you really bother you would have read everything already, and even asked for my private blogs, anyways...)