[Blog] 1 year...

1 year...

One year ago, around this time, I was walking my beloved pet Lola in the promenade when a motorbike that was speeding rolled over her. She died instantly. tho the pain for me kinda never stopped. Having to carry her over 5 kilometers on my arms, while there were ppl around, pretending nothing happened so noone asked, feeling how the warmt quickly vanished on my arms, bringing her home, telling my parents and burying her in tears.
That guy in the bike never stopped, nor I could manage to note him, nothing. Even then, nothing would have happened.

I tried to deny what was going on by playing a game and escaping from my own reality, (At least Civ V does help; was playing with a friend that kinda hates me now :V).
Since then, I feel alone, like really alone. You can argue that I have friends, parents, whatever. But she was the only living being that I cared like nothing else, and she gave me affection and something to look for.

A whole year with nothing, I can't help but really feel sad these days. Luckily since I was 7 I take ADHD pills and stuff like that my parents & psychologist give me so I don't normally "feel moody" or 'depressed' in the technical sense, that I see others sadly go in. I may have a deep depression that I never have because I'm 'controlled', which it's good, in theory. But if I have few reasons to be happy, why would I be?.

You can have all the friends you want, but I doubt anything can replace the feeling of having someone to care and look for. Yes you can keep your mind occupied or make yourself deny it so you don't think 'bout it, or rather claim that you don't need that at all.  With enough time, these things come up to you. Or rather it comes faster if you're someone that wants to care but don't have that many chances to.

As I wrote before, this year "can't possible be worse" in comparison with the last, because well, the things that could possibly make it worse won't happen (Like really <.> !), no, random chance doesn't count, stop being paranoid!.

In the mean time, I'll continue everything what I was doing, 'my best' while using what I have to hide as best as possible whatever negative feelings that may come up to me. Honestly, I'd rather be positive than negative but you can't be 100% happy all the bloody time. Let's be real. (Oh and since we're at it, don't expect anyone to be some sort of Ghandhi or Mother Teresa that is 100% holy or something, that's not going to happen, EVERYONE has flaws). The bests are those that understand those flaws and accept them. You gotta accept others for what they are.