Deviation Actions
So here we are again, a new year is coming, so many things happened!
In some way, you can say it 'happened fast' but it was not the case.
For me this year, was marked with changes, mostly negative, but some positive still.
Well what is a year where you lose more than what you gain? If I go by that way, not a good year, honestly.
I could say that there were 2 scenes of what's going on with me, IRL and online. Like 2 separate ways that rarely touch each other, somehow one is more exciting than the other, for obvious reasons.
Due to this, it would be 'very hard' for 2016 to be a 'worse year' than 2015. (I really hope not omg...).
I could start then; the event that affected me the most this year was, well, the murder of my beloved pet Lola in front of my eyes by a motorbike way in january. How despicable you are for hitting a dog in front of my eyes, killing it instantly and running away, and you have to carry the body for more than 5 kilometers trying to hide it from the people just to come to home and tell your parents about it.
The only living being apart from your family and some relatives IRL that you truly cared for and loved. Just like that. Your heart got emptied.
Neverthless to say that day was very stressful, at least I had someone to play Civ with at that moment that ironically was someone that would cause me lots of trouble in the future and make a close friend of mine to hate me, just cuz.
And to think that just by february there was also some issues with some ppl that didn't end up well, and that I wish to have handled better. I started this year's college classes in april but just by end of february I got something that at least increased my own confidence, that I, after 4 years or so, got to be admin on SR.
It really isn't that much, I get to help more. Yes it gets extremely stressing at times but if I can make some change to someone I'd do (No I don't get paid shuddup lol).
In some way I'm told that I do help others and make a difference, but I, honestly, don't value myself that much, because if I look back, just having a plushie to "hold up and care for" because there's noone that can come to take my attention in that way, just makes me sad inside.
Hey but at least I have some friends to help no? Wish it were the same...
One of the things I learnt this year was just, to hide. Things go much better if you just shuddup and hide negative feelings and let things go by. In the past I would easily reply to negative vibes others throw at me, but now I just see the positive side and laugh. May end up that I'm not that emphathetic with ppl I'm not that close, or that ultimately I'm more cynical about a lot of things but I try to keep a neutral stance on most. Like I'd rather be "oh yeah yeah true true" than "Well actually you are wrong and"...
Like stepping into someone's wrongdoing to 'help the situation' seems just a waste of time, mindless SJW that serves no purpose but to heaten things up, and whose actions should not be taken into consideration unless you're too bored and got nothing else to do.
That doing whiteknighting for your friends 'might seem the right thing to do', but unless you actually have a plan to solve the situation without heating things up, you're just making things worse, and you'd better shut up.
I'd rather just, learn? From mistakes. Did many this year, I can assure it. But I end up acknowledging them and try to not do them again. Noone's perfect.
Sad thing that (Mostly) others don't have the same level of tolerance to mistakes, and end up not giving you more chances. Some would rather assume "you're evil" because just one thing instead of looking the whole picture and stay decided with that thought.
Blah, I got to met, indeed, many nice ppl lately. The trend is that few stick to me, taking my time away, and those that stick by some time just get tired of me, or whatever.
Several times this year happened that I got 'close to someone' as a friend but they just don't appreciate me the same way I did, I get dissapointed. They don't care? Well then I shouldn't care duh.
I get less shy with voice chats, but then the same thing always happens; I get invited to a group on skype, I get to overcome my shyness and do voice, ppl say I'm funny blabla, some days later they just forget about me. Like if I were a clown, that does the joke and then there's no point on keeping it.
Yes I know I can't be that serious with voice chats because, frankly, I write faster than would be, like speaking in english. Not used to it.
Still, no group of friends I can regularly hang out and stuff, why? Might be that, I'm just too boring, weird, or funny for some time and then not worth their time. Doing these commitments of groups and VC just take time away, that if it doesn't stick in the long term, is just an utter and horrible way to waste my time and make me feel less confident about myself.
So much that I had to write several times a policy about VC, because ppl can't just stop doing the same to me. Making me feel close friend to just find out they don't give a bloody damn.
And to think that I founded a grup on Steam for the whole basis that I had (Or have) a more innocent view on friendship.
There's a point, I feel that just being open and look for friends is a waste of time if they just don't stay with me, and if I can't search for something that can fill that empty heart then there's no point in just entertaining everyone. However I can't just ignore others, because that's not something I like to do.
Net result I waste time and get nothing. At all.
You can say that I should "go outside more" but just ignore the fact that unless you know many ppl of your area that share your likes, you're just putting yourself at risk for no reason; and at least would be wortwhile if you live in a place where there is a reasonable chance of finding someone that shares your like while 'going outside' to a gather of such ppl (Like a con), which sadly, there's nothing like that where I am.
And then, facing the fact that the best friends you met IRL were a couple that met online, yet in the same medium, ppl that could fit me just look too skeptical or dubious about the same method that I just seem to be running around circles while time passes on.
While the fact that my country changed goverment, from a abusive authoritarian model disguised as "populism" that is just reminiscent of communist models of the 50's that also venezuela happen to follow (Look how good they are right now lol), to a more progressive, open to the world goverment model that looks to fix the cluster*fck that the Kirchners made in these last 13 years. With some luck, in many years I may be able to take the liberty to join some of the cons that take place in the capitol city of my country... which is 1000 km away from me and I need 11 hours of bus travel to get there. (Not to mention a lot of money).
Then some ppl complain because their pals gathers are at 2 hours of distance.
No, just be thankful that in your area several ppl share your same interests and are able to be contacted. Just however imagine being stranded in some place that you can only hope to go online because is just flat outright better due to the general idiocy of the population on your area. And yes, in general something is wrong with ppl on my country if almost half the country voted for the same model that has been ruining it for 12 years, almost continuing it for 4 years more. Ppl that are so fanatic to the same level of fanaticism of ISIS or any stupid religion, ppl able to ignore anything rational just to follow their goverments voice. Good thing that rational ppl are mostly fed up with how things were going and wanted a change.
I look at this and say that I don't have many hopes for this 2016, but to at least not be worse. Unless things get cheaper, I can't expect to get that GPU or a 3DS that I want, and unless I give away my standards to settle up with anyone that come up and I know I won't like in the long term, chances are that 2016 would just be worse emotionally. Hiding certain unhappiness would be just another challenge of the many I will face, but something that I just 'have to deal with'.
My gaming social media (AKA Steam) that has, lately becoming more and more bs by Valve, by adding mindless restrictions to the point of actually forcing me to get a mobile phone, just encouraged me to start drawing; because I can't gift games, but I can gift my time and, well art, to my friends. There's just so much that I can do in the material thigns real and I can't just stand there.
Maybe soon I could make something decent, just driven by the will of some ppl I follow and that (While I can't befriend because 'they just too stubborn) I can learn from. I learn more easily by watching, rather than reading, but things are like that.
Who am I to think that when I was young I just dismissed any idea of me focusing my mind on more creative things, and rather on abstract things, which turned out to be the oppositve, music, art, stuff. Taking advantage of a more wild mind, filled with ideas. I find it a better way to unleash those things I have inside, and why not? I just have to learn the techniques, and some ppl have been giving me advice, good for it.
Just need more time lol. I don't game that much lately, yet I "Don't find every time" the right time to sit up and do something like reports on SR or drwaing oranything, more often than not I feel to "just lazy out" read a forum, watch videos, and maybe do nothing.
Comes the issue of having a life goal, which I talked a lot but I know that, other for some friends, the majority don't give a damn about what I write because "IT'S TOO MUCH" and I actually think that it would be better if I just recorded myself narrating this whole thing, that end up having the length of an essay more than a blog post.
An essay about oneself, to say the least, but what better? about the next year, nonetheless, at least this time.
While most of the things I wished for my own bday, the 28th november, didn't get accomplished, there were other things that yes they were, like at least I got to talk to some ppl I used to, yet I have so much work to do in that regard. I advance, but not that fast. Certainly I've learnt to be more subtle, perhaps, TOO subtle to the point that unless I explicitely talk about it, others just don't notice; and frankkly, why would you? Like, who cares?! Who should care to the extent of figuring out some messages, because noone's in my life, and seems to be easier to whine and complain than to seek a solution to certain things.
The internet changes someone, and mainly making you more tough on nonsense, on bs. I just get tired of these, and some ppl can't just think that is okay to report the BS. Is it okay, for me at least, just go ahead and talk about it. Or I dunno, if you really want, read what I wrote before? If I don't get critique in any case, I can't jut improve.
How you are supposed to improve upon something if you can't read or realise any mistake? The more you realise, the better you get, and more faster. Perhaps for some, it could be a good idea to open their mind more regarding certain things and just try to think if doing something is better than just keep things in the same way.
Because the same way I know I influenced positively in some ppl (Or negatively, I suppose) I know others can do the same for me, yet doesn't seem that those that can make a big change, ultimately, are willing to even think about it. Is almost like those that want to make a change in someone else are just not the person that should be trying that, and the ones that could, would rather not.
Again, apparently I'm good at finding patterns, that is good. I was always good at patterns. Of course, not everyone is good at that and most would just dismiss things I say indirectly, because it's not worth the time. Is it? I dunno.
What I know is that some ppl made me very happy some days, others made me very sad, or upset, but eventually, for bad things I just forgive, (Others don't usually do the same for me).
I don't expect big changes the next year (It can, I suppose), but I know, that I'll try my best to do the best, and improve on many things. We'll see how thing goes! You can't just predict everything.
Bye 2015. Was a mixed ride. Maybe next year would be better, maybe.
